“The No. 1 Sign Your Husband Is Going to Leave You”
He printed out this story and left it on your pillow, along with his wedding ring.
“Thirty-Six Questions That Lead to Love”
- Do you have a job? 2. Do you have a cat? 3-36: Suggest alternate endings to “Lost” unless you liked the purgatory storyline, in which case we can stop at 3.
“How to Take Better Selfies”
Ditch your dignity.
“Tasty Ways to Use Up Buttermilk”
Buy twenty dollars’ worth of ingredients for waffles that require two tablespoons of buttermilk, then freeze the remainder in an ice-cube tray so that you can face this exact same problem in a year.
“The Secret to Flawless Skin”
Laser treatments you can’t afford. Genes you don’t have. Youth you’ll never get back.
“Top Tips for Thick, Shiny Hair”
Cut off Blake Lively’s ponytail in the night and fasten it to your head with large bobby pins. Become a horse. Comb egg yolk and oil through your hair and whip it around until it reaches a mayonnaise-like consistency.
“Ten Things You Must Purge from Your Closet”
All ten of the things that we told you to buy three years ago.
“Four Secrets to Eating Like a Supermodel”
- Skip breakfast. 2. Skip lunch. 3. Skip dinner. 4. Drink a Diet Coke.
“Celebrities Without Makeup”
Still very beautiful.
“The Only Margarita Recipe You’ll Ever Need”
Ingredients: a desire to “party.” Directions: walk to nearest Mexican restaurant.
“Why This Is the World’s Best Hoodie”
A blogger got it for free and thought it was just O.K. but felt indebted to the publicist who sent it to her, so she said something nice about it.
“The Cleaning Trick You Must Try”
Actually use a sponge and Windex instead of attempting to wipe down the bathroom counter with a wad of wet toilet paper.
“These Six Moves = Your New Six-Pack”
You’ll have to do thirty reps of each, which is a hundred and eighty moves, day after day for months until you’ve crunched too many times to count. Just buy a bodysuit to eliminate any chance of ever exposing your abs.
“Secrets of People Who Never Get Sick”
Iron lungs (shh).
“Twelve Ways to Transform a Rusty Bar Cart “
Eleven shades of spray paint, four of which are variations on rose gold, plus so much sandpaper.
“Five Surprising Causes of Cancer”
Reading stories on the Internet instead of: exercising, talking to your friends, shopping at the farmers’ market, meditating, or testing the lead in your water.
“The One Healthy Habit You Must Adopt”
STOP READING THIS STUFF.
