Just The Good Stuff From Wednesday's Apple Event

Every six months, the folks at Apple emerge from the Infinite Loop to reveal their next batch of consumer technology. On Tuesday they announced a new iPhone, a new Apple Watch and some goofy wireless earbuds called AirPods.

Because we enjoy participating in the spectacle of an Apple event just as much as the next person we live-blogged the proceedings, full of armchair analysis and commentary that you can find just about anywhere.

Here's how the event unfolded, in reverse chronological order:

iPhone 7 And 7 Plus (And AirPods)

In Short: As expected, the iPhone 7 and 7 Plus lose the headphone jack, and gain a camera, in the case of the 7 Plus. They're faster, they're water-resistant and feature a better screen and a better camera. The fun starts at $649 for the iPhone 7 and $749 for the iPhone 7 Plus. Phones ship September 16.

How much is this going to set you back? Prices start at $649 for the base 32GB iPhone 7 and $749 for the 7 Plus. (Yes, Apple doubled all the storage capacities up to 256GB). Pre-orders start September 9 with phones shipping on September 16.

Here's a dump of all the new stuff in the iPhone 7 and the 7 Plus.

It wouldn't be an Apple event with a new chip announcement. Apple's new A10 fusion processor is a 64-bit quad-core processor. According to Apple it's faster than the A9 and much faster than the A10. Which: as an owner of the 6S, I still haven't run into any performance issues? 

But A10 will offer "console-quality" graphics, if you want that on your smartphone. Here's "Oz: Broken Kingdom" running on an iPhone 7 at a decent framerate (though they neglected to display it). 

In addition to losing the headphone jack, Apple will push into the wireless headphone space with Apple AirPods. They feature a dedicated processor  and slew of sensors that will sense when you're wearing them, when you're speaking and when your touching them to activate Siri. They sport a 5-hour battery life and will be charged by putting them back in the case. No word on how easy it'll be the lose them, though. They'll be available in October and will run you $159.

As predicted, the iPhone 7 will lose the headphone jack, now you'll just use the lighting connector to plug in your headphones. With your new iPhone 7 you'll get Lightning EarPods, and an analog adaptor. Why did they do this? "Courage." Removing an industry-standard connector. So brave. But really, Apple didn't want keep budgeting precious space for the headphone jack.

The headphone jack is gone but the iPhone 7 speakers will be better. So maybe we don't need to worry about headphones anymore? They're louder and will be in stereo.

The iPhone 7 and 7 Plus will also sport better displays. They'll be brighter, and support a "wide color gamut." So, like every new iPhone before it, it'll be just slightly nicer to look at. Which is nice.

The iPhone 7 Plus (oh hey yeah, I guess there's an iPhone 7 Plus?) will sport two cameras! One is a wide-angle, one is a telephoto. Why? Well to give you optical zoom! Giving you 2x optical zoom and up to 10x digital zoom. Hooray for creepers! The two-camera system will also apply a digital depth-of-field effect. Hooray for bokeh!

The iPhone 7 will sport a new camera. It has optical image stabilization, a new six-element F/1.8 lens, a larger 12MP image sensor and a new image processor. What this means is that your pictures will probably look nicer, through no effort on your end. The Facetime camera gets a slight bump, up from 5MP to 7MP.

To the cheers of the clumsy, the iPhone 7 will be dust and water resistant.

The home button has been redesigned. Like the iPod and more recently the Mac, the new iPhone home button will not longer be a physical button. Paired with Apple's "Taptic Engine" the home button will give you haptic feedback based on the action, rather than depressing.

It's made from aluminum, and it is very shiny. They call the new high-gloss finish "jet black." It'll still come in black, silver, gold and rose gold too.

Tim Cook is also very excited about the iPhone 7. As is tradition, it's "The best iPhone ever."

According to Tim Cook, Apple has sold a billion iPhones. That's a lot, and Tim Cook is very happy about that.

Apple Watch Series 2

In Short: Apple announced a new watch: Apple Watch Series 2. It's faster, brighter, more water-resistant and features built-in GPS. It'll retail for $369. You can still buy the old Apple Watch, now known as Series 1, and will now go for $269. Preorders start September 9.

Apple announced a new watch: Apple Watch Series 2. Apparently it's been entirely re-engineered. It still looks like the Apple Watch, but with a few changes. 

It's not "splash-proof" it's "swim-proof" — basically water resistant up to 50 meters. And Apple is touting a bunch of swim-specific features, like accurate swim tracking.

The Apple Watch will feature new hardware with a faster GPU, brighter display and built-in GPS — which makes the Apple Watch a sorta-attractive fitness tracker? 

As is tradition, there are also new looks: Ceramic and a Nike-branded version called the Apple Watch Nike Plus. Ceramic is, well, as the name implies made from ceramic. 

The Apple Watch Nike Plus comes loaded with a Nike Plus app that will track your runs, and then also "encourage" you to go on runs after a few days off.

There are a slew of WatchOS 3 updates — which were all announced at WWDC earlier this year — but the most important development is that "Pokémon Go" is coming to the Apple Watch. You can visit Pokéstops without pulling out your phone, but to catch Pokémon you'll still need to pull out your device. Expect Pokémon Go to come to your Apple Watch later this year. (The amount of Nintendo in this Apple event is very welcome.) 

Apparently Apple Watch is very popular now. According to Apple's very revealing chart, they are only second-best to Rolex.

Random Updates

Apple is trying to make iWork relevant again with the addition of real-time collaboration — you know, like how you can in Google Docs.

A new Mario game is coming to iOS: "Super Mario Run" — which looks like a quasi-infinite runner but with Mario. Which sounds nice? It'll be here in time for the holiday 2016.

SHIGERU MIYAMOTO IS AT THE APPLE EVENT WHAT THE WHAT

There are some 140 Billion total App Store downloads since the birth of the App Store. And app downloads have grown 106% over the past year. Turns out people still love apps!

Apple music now has 17 million subscribers. so that's cool.

The Apple Music Festival seems to have some cool artists lined up?

This glorious event starts with… Carpool Karaoke?