10 more rules for dating my daughter

Jeff La Grua, a former U.S. Marine, gathered these rules together from around the Web, updated them a bit and sent them to me. I like these rules very much.

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots.

Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants three sizes too small, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your ass.

Rule Four:

I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: When it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you bleed.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like change the oil in my car and rotate the tires?

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, all-seeing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not fuck with me.

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a helo coming in over a Wadi near Baghdad. When my Gulf War Syndrome starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

  • I once received an email like this when I was dating my high school girlfriend. Suffice to say, I basically shit my pants.

  • def4

    Rule 0: Ignore what parents say because you don’t hook up with them.

  • Walter

    Guys like him forget that they were once a teenager too. Absolute idiot. Respect is necessary, nevertheless, but inducing these “nightmarish” rules on your daughter, ‘sir’, it is ridiculous and just shows how ignorant some marines can be.

    • LTMP

      And this is why you would never date MY daughter.

      You are clearly too dense to understand that these rules are in place precisely because I remember being a teenager.

    • Agarun Ilyaguyev

      It was a joke’y list, relax.

      As for [overprotective fathers] forgetting what it was like to be a teenager, I think the reverse may be true. They do remember what THEY were like as teenagers, objectifying women, and only (well, mostly) thinking of sex. Then, they project their own past teenage bratty-ness upon any would-be-boyfriend that walks through their door.

    • mdelvecchio

      pull your pants up.

  • Even as a (poor attempt at) a joke, this, and the previous article, is a disgusting attitude to take with your daughter. She is her own person and you have no right to enforce your out of date view of the world on her or her choice of partner. All you are doing here is demonstrating your lack of trust in her decision making abilities, abilities she should have learned from you. Assuming she is really as inept at making a wise decision as you think she is that doesn’t say much for your parental skills.

    Expect her to rebel and disown you any time soon.

    • fenderlover

      Lighten up. It’s an exaggerated gag between fathers. They probably feel this way, but certainly wouldn’t act out this way. If you want to get upset and offended, go look for fathers who abandon their kids, or don’t care to be involved with their well being and experience growing up. Those are the ones whose lack of responsibility and duty are causing problems for the rest of us, and are putting their neglected kids thru hell to boot.

    • mdelvecchio

      as a non-parent, i find several of these items completely reasonable — get out of your car, pull your pants up. dont touch her body in front of her father, and be respectful. they all sound reasonable to me and i did the same when i was young.

      • Don’t touch her body? So is an arm around her not showing affection? Why must it automatically be a negative act? How does he treat his wife in front of the kids? Is that inappropriate too?

        Joking it might be, that doesn’t make it ok.

        • Linda Herd


      • Meaux

        What’s wrong with hand holding?

  • Tom

    Rule One should really be rephrased…

  • pedekeys

    as a daughter of a man who actually got well along with my current boyfriend (until the man died of course) and had to deal with this exact shit from another man who tried to be my replacement father, FUCK THIS NOISE

    • Moeskido

      As with many conversations about technology on this site, your use-case may differ.

  • Basically: one ring to rule them all

  • nose.daar

    Rule 11: you have to have bigger penis than me. Lets whip it out and measure.

  • Doctorb

    Alternate title: 10 more reasons why my daughter won’t talk to me.

  • Crabbit_Git

    I do love the internets, its where humorless retards have a voice.

  • Moeskido

    Rule Eleven:

    Never interpret this father’s protective warnings to you as indication that my daughter is in any respect unable to protect herself, or to spot an immature fool when she sees one. Even were she not a straight-A student in subjects you can barely pronounce—and working towards a brilliant career in the field of her choice—she’d still be smarter than you. If only statistically.

    Should you forget this simple fact and attempt to manipulate my daughter’s self-esteem into doing things that she’s not interested in (or “neg,” as some of your cowardly buddies call it), you will hear the strong laughter of an intelligent young woman who has been raised to know that her self-worth does not require your moment-to-moment, man-child approval.

  • As a parent of three sons, you touch one of my sons and I kill you too

    • Billy Razzle

      Fair enough. If one of your sons hurts my daughter you’d better start loading your guns, because I’ll be loading mine.

    • Kizedek

      You raise them to be gentlemen, and there won’t be a problem. They should at least show the respect for my daughter that you show for your mother, sister or wife. I hope you are a good model.

  • Hence war.

    Why can’t we all get a long break from this

  • Franko65

    Classic La Grua whose quips-translated-to-Latin I enjoyed reading on Shawn’s list.

  • Jeff L

    Oh, I do love a well-kicked hornet’s nest.

    So, if I may redress:

    For the completely obtuse, the list is intended as rank hyperbole, in the classic sense and of the highest order. As was noticed by some of the more savvy and erudite posters, I do, indeed, recall those misspent days prior to growing up (vice ‘getting older’), and as such I know the onanistic evil what lurks in the minds of pubescent males.

    You’ll note I didn’t say, “Men.”

    Additionally, and contrary to common assumption, not all Marines are knuckle-dragging-Neanderthals, and as such I am smart enough to know that heavy-handed browbeating, and ill-thought, imperious lambasting with untenable (and wholly unenforceable) restrictions will not only have an opposite effect, but will serve only to hasten ones’ madness.

    So with my (now adult) daughters, I took The High Road. From their earliest days, we would routinely go on father-daughter ‘dates’. We would go to museums, lunch, plays, movies, theater, and such, and I would use the opportunity to illustrate to them the way that they should expect to be treated. To actively demonstrate what proper ‘gentlemanly etiquette’ is, what true courtesy is – and is not – and more importantly, I inculcated in them not just the knowledge of proper treatment, but the demand – and more importantly the desire – to /be treated/ properly.

    At the same time, with the misbegot Y-Chromosome-carriers, I cultivated a reputation of firmness, fairness, and approachability, all the while being bone-shatteringly terrifying. To wit: in my office, I keep hung a couple of my old 800m silhouette targets. One has a 4″ center-mass group, the other has a smiley face on the head and a heart-shape in the chest. And I never once had to show them to prospective suitors…

    …my daughters did it for me. They would take boys into my office and show them – and the ashen looks on their faces upon exiting, and the enduring effect was oh-so-priceless.

    My kids just thought it was hilarious to watch them squirm.

    However, the end-result was that I never had to lift a finger, or arch an eyebrow. I never had to raise my voice higher than normal speaking volume, but I must admit My. Tone. Was. Measured. And. Unmistakable: my daughters are the most important thing in my life and there are things I will not accept, and more importantly, as a result of my teachings, there are things that THEY will not accept.

    Also, when they each turned 16, I taught them both how to safely handle and shoot firearms, and how to defend themselves physically.

    Consequently, my kids dating lives have been rather uneventful. That is to say, the suitors whose intentions were less than above board were quickly dispatched by my kids, and the ones who were honorable and worthy, by virtue of their behavior and honest intentions, remained. Some, even today, remain as friends of the family, despite no ongoing romantic attachment to my kids. One of them actually enlisted, and himself became a Marine, serving his country honorably – the highest, most sincere form of flattery.

    Today my kids are adults and beginning to raise families of their own, and I know that they will pass on to their kids the same things I taught to them.

    Quod Erat Demonstrandum.

    • “To wit: in my office, I keep hung a couple of my old 800m silhouette targets.”

      He’s not kidding. I’ve seen them. 🙂

  • gui

    this is stupid.

  • Marciano

    That was a funny read. I hope I never date a redneck.

  • Foreigners Opinion

    Yeah, this is is a slimy and cliché list. No wonder people do not find it amusing.

    What about boys? What if we change genders? Would society allow for each of these statements to be made in the form of a list “10 Rules for Dating My Son”, with a young woman threatened with the same violence?

    That role reversal would be refreshing to say the least. I have seen so many boys’ hearts been broken in high-school and no one gives a damn.

    All these subtle threats of violence against a young adolescent who knows not how to respond are ever so motivating. I am going to make that list of “10 rules for dating my son” or better yet “10 rules when your daughter dates my son” which will specifically outline what will happen to the imaginary protagonist of this imaginary list.

    Bringing a bit of MacGyver like non-violent guerilla tactics against the meat-heads who like this type of rough stuff.

    Good day to you “gentelmen”.

    • “Would society allow for each of these statements to be made in the form of a list “10 Rules for Dating My Son”, with a young woman threatened with the same violence?”

      If they acted as stupid as boys often do, of course.

      ” I am going to make that list of “10 rules for dating my son” or better yet “10 rules when your daughter dates my son” which will specifically outline what will happen to the imaginary protagonist of this imaginary list.”

      Make sure you post the URL.

    • Moeskido

      Looking forward to seeing how you try to reverse this to paint boys as often-victimized as girls.

  • I wrote up a multiple choice question for my daughter. “A man arrives at my house in a car; my daughter gets in the car and they drive away. The man is A) my daughter’s father; B) My daughter’s grandfather, or C) a eunuch.

    These are the only possible answers.

  • manometate

    This may sound good and cool to fathers but in reality they mean nothing to a teenage boy who does not know what fear is.

    I dated a girl whose stepdad was a loan shark for the mob; I banged her in the back seat of his car. I knew he could have killed me but I didn’t care. At 19, you’re living in the moment.

    A girl with a dad like this probably wouldn’t be much of a challenge. She was probably begging for some action after being kept locked up by an overprotective dad.

  • Bobaloo

    I’m a father of a wonderful daughter, whom I have always trusted. In jest there can be truth. Guy sounds like an abusive, controlling, unreasonable psycho to me.

    • Jeff L

      So, normally, I don’t reply to flame-baiting, however since you decided to chime in I figured I’d see your bet and call you. Let me be very clear, and I will use small words that even you can understand.

      1) The list is a REPRINT of a very old JOKE. Get over yourself.

      2) Your comments, have repercussions. My wife and kids were following this thread and up to this point found it humorous as they should have – because IT’S A JOKE. However what YOU don’t realize is that my wife and adopted kids (whom are actual survivors of real, physical abuse by my wife’s /first/ husband) were shocked, horrified, and brought to tears by your callous remarks and aspersions against my character. Way to go. Feel good about yourself?

      3) You are in violation of California Civil Code §45 “false and unprivileged publication by writing, printing, picture, effigy, or other fixed representation to the eye, which exposes any person to hatred, contempt, ridicule, or obloquy, or which causes him to be shunned or avoided, or which has a tendency to injure him in his occupation,” and CCC §45a “A libel which is defamatory of the plaintiff without the necessity of explanatory matter, such as an inducement, innuendo or other extrinsic fact.

      4) You now have my complete and undivided attention. Your perceived anonymity means nothing. You have one opportunity to print a written retraction. Make. It. Count.

      The thread comments will be shut down shortly, so feel free to forward it to Jim or Peter, and maybe, if your lucky, they won’t take the actions they should.

      In the future don’t shoot your mouth off about people whom you know nothing about.