∞ 13 alternatives to a Microsoft Guru

Microsoft, I feel bad. Honestly, I do.

First you copy everything that Apple does and you fail miserably (don’t even ask me or I’ll bring up the Zune) and now you want to copy Apple’s retail strategy. I took you to task for the earlier today, but I really didn’t offer any alternatives. So here are 13 alternatives to having a Microsoft Guru in your retail stores:

A petting zoo: Seriously, who doesn’t like a petting zoo. Kids and adults alike will be entertained for hours.

An air-filled jumping castle: You know the ones I mean, right? You pump them up and then go inside and jump like you’re on a trampoline.

A Tiki bar: Admittedly not so much for the kids, but with the frustration many adults have trying to get you operating system to work, a mai tai might go down nice.

A Magic 8-ball: This is something Apple never thought of. A giant magic 8-ball. People can ask their support question, shake the 8-ball and leave with their answer. Wait, that’s the Microsoft Guru isn’t it?

A collection of shiny objects to distract people: LOOK AT THAT! You know that would work.

A ball pit: What is it with people and ball pits? They are drawn to them like bees to honey.

A rodeo: Maybe even get the people to dress up like cowboys and whoop and cry as they run around the story.

Mud wrestling: Feel free to have jello wrestling every so often, just to mix things up.

Mechanical bull: You could make people feel like they were at Gilley’s Bar in Urban Cowboy.

Madame Tussauds wax statues: How about having some famous people just stand there and look at the customers like they have no idea what they are talking about. Unless of course this is what you were thinking for the Gurus.

A collection of Circus freaks: Yeah, the bearded lady and rubberman.

A repeating video of Balmer yelling developers, developers, developers: Need I say more.

A secret entrance into the Apple Store: Since you are putting your stores so close to Apple’s, you could have a secret entrance into the Apple Store for those customers that really want something that works. You could call it the Windows Escape Hatch Home Edition!

I feel better now, Microsoft. Feel free to use any of these ideas as your own.

  • Michael Adams

    Jim, you’re having way too much fun with this! The secret door idea just might work.

  • Jim Dalrymple

    I’m just trying to be helpful 🙂

  • I consider this:

    “A collection Circus freaks: Yeah, the bearded lady and rubberman.

    A repeating video of Blamer yelling developers, developers, developers: Need I say more.”

    to be cheating. Balmer should be counted amongst the circus freaks, this bringing your total down to 12.

    • Jim Dalrymple

      DAMNIT! Only an Angry Mac Bastard could have figured that one out!

  • kevin

    i think they’ll get 5 people in the store on “Zune buy back” weekends.

  • They’re called Bouncy Castles, I think. Maybe that’s a regionalism.

    Whatever they are, though, they’re not safe to use around Windows. Sharp glass could cause rapid deflation!

  • What about a climbing wall for those who are having problems with Windows?

    • Jim Dalrymple

      I’d be afraid they might jump.

  • I’m just surprised the Win 7 launch wasn’t their “OS VII” launch….sigh. I know they say imitation is the highest form of flattery, but at some level it does get embarrassing!

  • xyko

    Dude, thats awesome. Almost anything would be more helpful than a windows “Guru”

  • Eric

    On the video wall behind the gurus, a video loop runs continuously fromYoutube: “Young Frankensteve.”