Microsoft, I feel bad. Honestly, I do.

First you copy everything that Apple does and you fail miserably (don’t even ask me or I’ll bring up the Zune) and now you want to copy Apple’s retail strategy. I took you to task for the earlier today, but I really didn’t offer any alternatives. So here are 13 alternatives to having a Microsoft Guru in your retail stores:

A petting zoo: Seriously, who doesn’t like a petting zoo. Kids and adults alike will be entertained for hours.

An air-filled jumping castle: You know the ones I mean, right? You pump them up and then go inside and jump like you’re on a trampoline.

A Tiki bar: Admittedly not so much for the kids, but with the frustration many adults have trying to get you operating system to work, a mai tai might go down nice.

A Magic 8-ball: This is something Apple never thought of. A giant magic 8-ball. People can ask their support question, shake the 8-ball and leave with their answer. Wait, that’s the Microsoft Guru isn’t it?

A collection of shiny objects to distract people: LOOK AT THAT! You know that would work.

A ball pit: What is it with people and ball pits? They are drawn to them like bees to honey.

A rodeo: Maybe even get the people to dress up like cowboys and whoop and cry as they run around the story.

Mud wrestling: Feel free to have jello wrestling every so often, just to mix things up.

Mechanical bull: You could make people feel like they were at Gilley’s Bar in Urban Cowboy.

Madame Tussauds wax statues: How about having some famous people just stand there and look at the customers like they have no idea what they are talking about. Unless of course this is what you were thinking for the Gurus.

A collection of Circus freaks: Yeah, the bearded lady and rubberman.

A repeating video of Balmer yelling developers, developers, developers: Need I say more.

A secret entrance into the Apple Store: Since you are putting your stores so close to Apple’s, you could have a secret entrance into the Apple Store for those customers that really want something that works. You could call it the Windows Escape Hatch Home Edition!

I feel better now, Microsoft. Feel free to use any of these ideas as your own.